My name is Elise

I found my virginity in August of 2020, two months after I was raped for the first time. Sitting on a log thinking, “What just happened?” I am empty of emotions. As I sit and watch the sunrise, I question if this is real life or a vivid dream. Did I have sex for the first time? The answer was no. I was raped while camping with my friends and in my basement two weeks later. I chose not to acknowledge what had happened to me until someone told me, “You were raped.”

I tried to justify what happened by thinking that I didn’t say no and let it happen. But, although those things are true, sex is not something that you let happen. There is implied consent, and there is implied dissent. What happened to me was not my fault. I know that, but I continue to battle with accepting that fact. I play a game with myself. It’s called the “what if” game, where I think about the possible outcomes if I did one thing, anything differently. When I catch myself playing this game in my head, I recite the Serenity Prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
— Elise Basil